Having A Fling

Well...as often happens in blogland, the point I was making in my last post about re-claiming our disconnected soul parts has been overshadowed by a more important question.

Could the catapult work for a lamb?

I'm not sure it could. There is a certain "wrongness" of that idea to me...you know..."not-rightness"



There is a great scene in this episode when Chris gets depressed because Ed tells him that Monty Python had already flung a cow in one of their movies. His artistic vision had been 'done before'. Oh yes, he was feeling pretty damned sorry for himself. Maurice, a rough and tumble former marine and astronaut told him straight:

When you come up against a wall...
You go over that wall,

you go under it,

you go around it,

you go through it if you have to...
But what you don't do,

what you don't do,

is give up!

At least, thats how I remember it, some 10-15 years later.

You see, Chris was feeling sorry for himself, all caught up in his navel gazing when right next to him, his friend Maggie had lost everything she owned in a house fire. Maggie herself had a journey to go through to come from feeling a victim to feeling liberated. As is often the case, we lose our perspective in focussing so much on ourselves and on our ego concerns. Sometimes what feels like rock bottom really isn't. My sister taught me a great phrase - in the grand scheme of things - in 25 years...how important will this be?

Well, right now, for me, things feel pretty big....I feel pretty rock bottom. I went to the doctor last week to talk about depression. He gave me a quiz. Out of 27, 14 means you're clinically depressed. I scored 26. Today I'm home from work with the flu. I don't know whats been ailing me for the last week but it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday afternoon and nauseaus and dizzy, I had to go home. In fact, I didn't even make it home before I had to stop at McDonalds to use the toilet.

I was lying in bed this morning and decided that this day is the day my life changes. This is the day I take back my health...physical and emotional. Today is the day I put all my energy into taking care of me and of my needs. This has been in the process of becoming for some time now. Already I've detached from some draining situations and not surprisingly, the world didn't implode without my attention.

If I don't want this period in my life to be something I look back on in 25 years with regret, then I have to do something about the inner conflict I have around some things at work.

There is a lot of stress in my life from my job which is not only the usual workplace issues of working for people who can't be satisfied (which is draining in and of itself) but these go well beyond what most people (hopefully) will have to face in their lifetimes. I've got to take action on that now as far as I can and then take it to the next level, so that I can feel that I've done all I can for myself.

When you come up against a wall...well, Maurice's advice is good advice.

And so...in answer to your questions about lambs and cows...remember:

"It's not the thing you fling, its the fling itself"

Fling something that is weighing you down...fling something that you've outgrown...fling something today, blogland....for it IS the fling itself...life...for which we are here!

Yeah.

The Real Thing

When I was in writing school, I found my perfect Manly Man. His name was Chris, from Northern Exposure. Yes, he's lofty. But he doesn't hide behind his knowledge like Fleishmann. He's a seeker with a natural sex appeal. He's a thinker and a dreamer but he's a doer all the same...don't forget...he constructed a catapult and flung a cow to create "a pure moment."

*sigh*

Oh yes...and I can SO relate to Maggie....yes...I want to be happy too.

first...enjoy a little 'magic' from the North.




You know...I loved this series because it taught me alot about characterisation, symbolism and magic realism (really). And "they" say that the ideal lover, the inner lover we all dream of is really our own discredited parts of ourselves that we project outward.

I always thought Chris was the coolest minister in the world. It only now occurs to me that perhaps he was an inspiration to become the Irreverent Reverend that I am.



Time to lighten up and reclaim those projected soul parts. Time to reclaim the animus. Time to be the minister that I am, the poet, the artist and the philospher. Time to chop wood and construct a catapult.

Time to step into those Sasquatch shoes and fling a cow!

xx

I'm like a bird

I DO want to fly!!!

I was telling /t that I have this little collection of Story People by an American Artist, Bill Andreas. One of them is called Flying Woman. The old link didn't work but you can look it up if you're interested under 'prints' at: www.storypeople.com

I see this is true in my life. I have 3 stories. Two I identified with and one was aspirational.

I think its time for a new story.

Ironically, my leave to remain in England expired Friday. Yes, I did consider letting it expire and returning to Canada, but I have things I need to see through here. Now, I am without a passport while my permit is being extended. A foreigner on foreign soil. I'm trapped!!!

I'm not a person who adapts easily to having her freedom curtailed.

I couldn't get this song out of my head yesterday. Oh, Ruela and I will probably argue over whether Nelly Furtato is Canadian or Portuguese. And actually, as an immigrant to Canada, she is both. The beautiful woman is clearly Portuguese, the beautiful landscape is clearly Canadian. And as an emigrant from Canada on two continents now, I understand the phrase: "I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is."

When I first heard her sing, I felt Nelly described me perfectly. I'd just returned from India...was living in New York and trying to decide whether to move to India, Vancouver or maybe London. Funny really...I ended up in India sort of by accident on a yoga teaching stint and ended up starting a small charity that partnered with an orphanage, when really, my intention was to go work with Aids orphans in Africa.

I moved around alot when I was a kid and I'd seen most of North America by the time I was 16. Being rootless can be disorienting....or liberating....and so every time I have had a life decision to make, one of the factors about which I have the least fear is 'where.'

For the moment and for the next little while, geography is settled...but I'm on a life mission with this next step, and where is becoming more important. One thing I know is that London is not where my soul is...London is not my home. And what seems a long time can pass quickly...so soon again...I'll find my wings...

Spring Skiing

Weird weird weird week of dreams.

Crash and Burn:

Recently I had a dream I was in a helicopter crash (significant to my family's business) and that I was then having an argument with my Dad. The night before, he'd been very supportive to me and was uncharacteristically not blaming my life troubles on me. I guess, in this case, he really can't. I've done the right thing, followed the law and been penalised for it. Life just isn't fair. But funny how it is that when the other shoe didn't drop this time, I had to dream it did, or my psyche just couldn't be complete with the encounter.

Building Castles in the Air:

Then in the middle of the week, I dreamed I impulsively bought myself a home in the middle of England - sight unseen. Well, it was actually a church. When I went to see it, I found it was a huge ass church with stained glass windows, as I had hoped. It was isolated in the middle of the country several hours from London. My idea was to renovate it and convert it into a living space. Problem was - when I got there - I found it was a heritage sight. Some few Catholic pilgrims (as there are only a few Catholic pilgrims left) still came on occasion to the church. Something about women martyrs on the altar. Meanwhile, a couple of local thugs brandishing knives told me they'd collect entrance fees and they'd give me 75% for the first 3 months and 50% thereafter. I immediately tried to back out of the deal and wondered if I'd just lose my deposit or would be sued. I wondered, actually, if my offer had ever been accepted. Somehow I couldn't remember.

Yes, well...THAT dream is FULL of hidden meanings - maybe something about me wanting to find a way to bring back being a minister into my life...maybe something about me feeling like I am one of the martyrs - maybe on the altar of my job - doing the right thing and being penalised for being righteous? Finally the thugs - well - maybe they represent the assailants that I am ready now to take on if I have to....but funny that I really didn't know the actual details of the deal. I think there is something here about buiding castles in the air. Something I've been doing in my life alot right now as I try on different dreams and scenarios for the future.

Finally - a happy one!

Joy:

Last night I dreamed I was with my mom somewhere (she's been dead a long long time and her death anniversary was this past week) and I had done a little skiing the night before, finding I wasn't as bad as I expected to be. Mom and I were walking outside...and it was a beautiful sunny day (uncharacteristic of the weather since I've returned from Vancouver - RAIN) and I remembered this warm sunshine being the perfect weather for spring skiing. When I was a kid, I was a pretty damn good downhill skiier and so in spring, I'd wear a short sleeved t-shirt and track pants or shorts (I rarely fell). I looked at my watch and it was around 11:30 or 12:30. Not much time left but I figured there was still an afternoon of skiing still to be had. Like a kid, I turned and ran to get my skis, excited to have the joy of being - like what - 12? - again!

The interpretation? Well, I think that I feel a bit like I'm skiing in life...looking for the beginner hills again...even at my age. But at least it was sunny and I could feel the warmth on my face. You've got to stay in the moment as much as possible, especially when you're trying to map out your life...or the future can drive you crazy, depress you, overwhelm you...defeat you...before you start.

Grab the sunblock and your skis folks!

Other stuff:

I'm not feeling well. Wasn't feeling well yesterday either, or even on Friday. I have a little bit of nauseau but more importantly, my back is killing me. I went for a walk yesterday with the express purpose of opening up my hip. It worked a little but I woke up sore again today and spent an hour with my massage balls, vocalising, crying a fair amount, growling when that was what I felt and generally being in a shit load of pain.

Tonight I'm going to have another massage. This morning a friend is coming for breakfast and then I have to work, but if I can swing it somehow, I'm going to go for a swim to help my hip and another long walk. I'd like to go buy an alfalfa sprouter jar but thats a fairly long trip and I've got work to do.

Another hodge podge but that's what happens when Pink doesn't write for awhile.

xx

Photo - not mine - but I really do wish I were spring skiing today - from picasaweb.google.com/.../vcrG41BaUYbDWlrcxfxGUA

I know

I know I haven't been posting...or visiting...I'm not sure where the time has gone but trust me, I've not been whiling away the hours.

Monday - I worked late and I had a long conversation about things that were upsetting me.

Tuesday - I worked late again and was really pissed off I couldn't make an 8 pm yoga class because of work.

Wednesday - I had a french exam to see what level I should be studying

Thursday - ah...I worked late again...but for this I went to Chatham House for a roundtable discussion on a paper I worked six months to write. I didn't get the credit for that...but I did get thanked for working on it...and the guy above me presented it. That kind of pisses me off...but its a theme I've discovered in my life that needs to change. Then I went and got drunk with a friend who is in from Nairobi.

Friday - oh. yes. WORKING LATE - AGAIN.

The theme is not good and I'm bound and determined to change it. Its going to take a strong constitution to bear the wise cracks and criticsms and martyred responses when I seek to leave according to my contracted hours at least twice a week. Yes, I'm working over this weekend but next week I leave the office at 5:30 two days a week to take a french course that lasts 6 weeks. Its expensive. And I'm going to do it. Somehow leaving for a course might be more justifiable than leaving for a yoga class...but you know what? Fuck it. I don't get paid for the extra hours and after how I've been treated this year.....

well...you fill in the blank

I'm very much enjoying coming home to my house these days...well, except that the overhead lights in every room have gone and its taken my property manager 2 weeks to get the electrician out!

Last weekend we tried to hang pictures and ended up drilling a hole in the concrete that just made a mess so I'm going to have to hire a handyman to come do it.

I got some prints framed. I've had them for oh...15 years...and I finally got them framed...they're called 'Story People' and they're by an American artist. I also framed a photograph of Madonna and Child Rock from Arizona. Tomorrow I'm going to go pick up some photos of my OWN - a few of the flowers I shot.

Lets see how they turn out. If they're nice...well...I might actually pursue this in a bigger way...I actually love my own photographs...not all of them...but some of them.

And that brings me to why have I not been posting photos. I have dust in my camera and that PISSES ME OFF! I've been cranky since Vancouver. Its going to take weeks to get the camera cleaned...but maybe I'll go out and see what I can shoot anyway. - I edited this just now and added the photo above.

I bought myself THREE bunches of these on Monday night. They've really cheered me up this week. Waking to pink lillies on your bedside table is a beautiful way to open your eyes :)

A hodgepodge of stuff...but...today I feel that I need another holiday. When work has you wanting another holiday after 2 weeks back...well....you fill in the blanks.

Happy weekend peeps...visit ya'll soon...

xx

7/7

Fuckin' A and OW!

My ex boyfriend, Terrence, always said he'd never want to mess with me in a dark alley and he'd place money on me in any fight. That was a compliment to a woman with an Athenian drive, but it also gave a false sense of security. The fact is, I am smart and could think my way out of most situations, but I didn't have the tools in my toolkit to fight if I had to fight. I have been overpowered by a man before - twice - and I used my wits to seize the one moment of opportunity to distract him and run.

Once, however, I encountered multiple assailants. I didn't have the skill to fight and I couldn't get away; I was sexually assaulted. I remember trying to get away and being blocked and held and I remember feeling they were just too strong for me. Luckily, an opportunity finally came and I did run and get away, but the scenario could have played out much differently if I had some skills to fight them despite their strength.

Yesterday, you may recal, I was scheduled for a self defence course. I was very fortunate that the regular teacher at CityLit was ill so they called in a couple from the London Centre for Personal Safety to run the course. They are trained in Model Mugging, the only full contact style of women's self defence courses. (see: www.modelmugging.org/) I've known women who have been sexually assaulted who have gone to that course and never been the victim of violence again.

I want to make a serious and strong recommendation to all the women out there reading this blog to find a course in your area and take it. You know that in this country (the UK) most women are murdered in their own bed by their lover? You never know when you're going to need those tools. And although its scary and it will bring up memories of previous assaults, those memories will always be there and when you know you can work through them to defend yourself, I know you will feel empowered.

I felt sick for days and I have been edgey and weird. Even yesterday morning, I doddled around as long as I could, subconsciously trying to be late. But I made it in time for our 10 am start, and I'm so glad I did.

If you've been the victim of any kind of assault, do find a Model Mugging course because they cater to rape and assualt victims and those at high risk. Their approach is incredibly supportive...they help you unpack the attack and realise you really did make sound choices...whatever they were...or you wouldn't be here today.

I walked home after the class (a nice 2 hour walk through London at dusk) to work off some of that energy that I'd developed by mocking up attacks all day long. Today I feel good. Well, except for my left wrist, which I seemed to have hurt, breaking an "assailants" jaw, yesterday. Oh well, rather have it hurt now and know I can break a jaw if I need to.

I'm not sure what my mom would say about me learning how to defend myself (dukhobours are passifists) but I'm pretty sure she'd be happy to know that I have kept my committment to avoid an assault if at all possible and have made the greater committment to fight for my life if necessary, by gaining these tools.

xx

PS - Model Mugging takes place, depending on the course, over a 2-4 day period. These are great because you get alot more practice of full contact fighting than we could get in the 8 hour class. So, I am already enrolled in the longer course where the final "exam" consists of multiple surprise attacks by men in full body armour. Given my experience, I'm going to request a multiple assailant, blackout scenario. Go Pink!

Liberation

I sat up very very very late last night just listening to Tori Amos and Tracy Chapman and reflecting.

Great things are on my plate right now, right alongside a whole pile of shit. The great things are ahead of me...the shit comes as a byproduct of the past. As you can imagine, shit has a way of threatening to contaminate the good stuff.

I started this blog almost two years ago...and shortly after I started this blog, my life changed dramatically. I've been thinking and feeling deeply in my soul that it may soon be time to put this blog and the circumstances around it to rest. I still have some way to go down this path of inner revolution to find my liberation...but soon...it will be time for this journey to end and a new one to begin.

Happy 4th of July, my friends.


xx
pinks

I had a massage last night. The first one in years. Now bear in mind that as an alternative health practitioner, I used to have bodywork every week when I had my own active practice. But its been years and years since I've been in tune with my own body in this way. I was thinking of how much self love there is in being able to receive healing touch and be in the present moment with oneself. It can be an extreme act of courage to be emotionally vulnerable, even (or maybe, especially) with oneself.

A man recently told me that when he met me, he couldn't really see my body because I was wearing so many layers. Yes, it was early spring, but still....I thought about how incongruent that was with the feeling that I was sexy that night...wearing a low cut top and all. Then I realised I had put a cardigan over the top (though the cardigan was low cut too) because it was too clingy and revealed my tummy. Oh, I thought, I see. I wanted to be sexy, but I was invisible. I've hidden behind fat; and then I've hidden the shame of being fat behind layers of clothes.

I'm taking a one day course on self defence for women tomorrow. I signed up the day after the post about thinking self defence would be a good idea. I want this to be an empowering experience, and yet as the day approaches, a lot of emotions are coming up . Fear, anger, fear, sadness, fear... I feel a little ill when I think about it; body memory.

I want to reclaim my sexuality and self empowerment is a necessary part of that process, as is really being able to feel 'sexy' again. Maybe a good way to come back to my body and be with the sensations and emotions, is more and more bodywork.

Stay tuned...more construction ahead...

A "wheat-free" embargo

OK. Losing 5 pounds is more difficult than gaining 30!

I've lost 5 pounds...no, 6 pounds...no, 7...no, 5....no, 5.5...no, 6.2...no, 5!

Ugh.

I thought you were supposed to plateau after 20 pounds, not after 5!

Well.

Today I have declared a conscious "wheat-free" embargo. That is, I'm eating as much wheat and chocolate as I want! Tomorrow...its back to fruit, vegetables and protein, no wheat, no sugar. But today, for 1 day only, I'm giving in to my frustration.

(tomorrow my tummy will feel so ill, I'll not want another chocolate croissant for a few more months!)

so...lock up your cookies...pink is on the loose!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8:52 pm

THE TALLY:

Breakfast - 1 pain au chocolat (yum)

Lunch - Chicken wrap (yum yum)

Snack - rocky road yum yum thingie from starbucks (yum yum yum)


THE RESULT:

tummy ache :( and various gastro nasties


THE LESSON:

Pink is rebellious but Pink can't eat wheat. Chocolate? No problem. ;)

I blame the Belgians

This explains a lot about what's wrong with my country:

We can't blame the Americans.

We can't blame the Quebecois separatists.

We MUST blame the Belgians.

(They flunked flags of the world 101, apparently!)

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!

Photo by Pink: Canadian flag hung upside down in Antwerp ;)

David here. I've taken on Goliath.

I started on cleaning my flat. I get tired and want to lie down, but lo and behold...my two beds and the couch are covered in crap. *Sigh* So I just keep working.

Tomorrow my friend is coming to help me for a few hours. Soon I will be free of this life of Grime.
Perfect time for a MEME.



Indigo tagged me with the road trip meme. The rules are:

-- Pick five CDs for the trip.

-- Pick three essential items.

-- Pick one outrageous wardrobe item (something that will make you stand out at a party; you must own this item already).


CDs -

Well, I don't travel with music. I find it interferes with my experience of the places I'm going. Music takes me to a specific emotional space, depending on the artist and I want to just be open and available for what is.

But, if you want to know 5 favourite CDs then I can tell you

Beatles - Abbey Road is my favourite but I'll take any of their albums

Jeff Buckley - err - I dunno - the one with Hallelujah on it

Eagles - any, but Hotel California is not my favourite

Bob Marley - I have something like a greatest hits on my ipod...its a favourite

Loreena McKennit - any of her albums



Three essential items

- my passport

- my credit card

- my camera - and if I'm going to malaria zones, then I would replace this with Malarone



One fabulous wardrobe item

- I don't know if its fabulous but I don't go on any trip without my Northface boots...they're not for real serious hiking but they are good for day trips.


Thanks Indigo! Now I think I have to tag 3 people. This time I choose:


Lamby

Paul (AFTER 9 July)

Pink Icing


I'll look forward to seeing your posts!

Treading Water

A few posts ago I blogged about self image (now down, as are many of my posts). Self image is easily distorted.

We start out as babies with no self awareness and are completely contented as long as someone feeds us, changes our diapers and nobody hurts us.

Are we really that different as adults? Aren't we, according to Maslow, really quite content if we have our basic needs met - AND nobody hurts us? Only when we feel pretty secure in that can we start to move to self actualisation.

When I was in Vancouver, I found something really strange happening to myself. I was out of my usual life in London and when I looked in the mirror, I saw different things at different times. One day I would look in the mirror and think 'you're fat' and another day I'd look and say 'you're actually quite pretty' and the next day 'you're old' and then another day 'you're pretty' again. It was changing so rapidly I didn't know what to make of it.

I couldn't reconcile all of this but finally I came to the conclusion that maybe its all of the above. Maybe I'm a 40 something woman who is both quite pretty and who has gained weight. Maybe they can all co-exist at the same time.

I say that...but the pull is towards 'you're fat.' Period. I know its easier to look at the negative, but there's also something else there.

It seems to me depression and self hatred can go together when we may find our basic needs for food and shelter are met but our emotional/psychic needs to be free of repetitive hurt are not being met.

I've looked at my life. I've done a lot of self-work. I don't think it helps to go over the details of my childhood anymore but I do think that I was in a situation where I was repeatedly stressed in my surroundings and I just wanted to feel safe and loved. As I grew up, the hurting didn't stop, but instead, I found it in new places. I don't blame the victim...I do believe in accountability for those who are perpetrators (even if accountability and justice are rare in our world, I believe in these concepts strongly)...but somehow I became magnetised for hurt.

If all we've ever known is hurt after hurt after hurt after trauma after trauma after trauma, we respond like the little child that has been hurt. We try to protect ourselves from that hurt but we also develop a self hatred because its what we're used to. Our parents were all powerful when we were kids...and we depended on them for everything...so we couldn't make them 'wrong' or our world would be even more insecure than it was. Instead, we had to be the problem, and so self hatred began and plays out in our adult relationships....what is it called? The Stockholm Syndrome?

I recently saw in myself this tendency towards self hatred rather than righteous anger towards an abuser. I wish I'd had a different rearing so that my natural response would be that of Athena instead of Persephone. It is a constant struggle to replace self love where conditioning has left me with the coping skills of self hatred and self protection. But these ways of coping come at a cost and the cost is now far too great.

I see that my weight is a protection against being noticed by men. Without knowing it, I've worked hard to be invisible, sexually. Subconsciously, if I'm invisible to men, maybe they won't sexualise me. If they don't sexualise me, I can't be hurt. So I gain weight and hate myself instead. But lately, I find myself wanting to be seen...wanting to be visible...not to everyone...but to someone...and so this coping mechanism no longer works for me.

I have good days and bad days with this and every day its a struggle not to comfort myself with food and take refuge from my vulnerability in being seen by hiding myself under layers of fat. Every day, it is a struggle to pull myself out of my depression and cook healthy food or go for a walk. And, as the weight comes off, I may feel more and more vulnerable by being exposed. And, at the cellular level, there is emotional memory. As I lose the weight, the trauma that has been frozen and not 'felt' may resurface to be felt and released. And if that comes up, the temptation may be very great, indeed, to sabotage myself and take refuge again from the pain and vulnerability.

Losing weight is rarely as simple as what you eat. I think I need to take a self defence course while I'm losing this weight. That will be an 'appropriate' form of protection.

And...yes...there are other ways I hide. A messy apartment is a way to hide from the world, to keep people at bay, and just reinforces self hatred by covering myself in rubbish. Its both the result of depression and the cause of it. I am motivated to let someone into my space again. And, I am motivated to lift myself out of this state.

Perhaps I'll always tend toward the depressive side. People who have been repeatedly traumatised...well...PTSD is real. But, I'm worth more than what I'm allowing myself.

I was beginning to make some progress in the last few weeks. But then I had a setback this week that really shook me. It was an ego injury that has triggered a relapse of shame and self hatred. Now, every minute, I fight the urge to hide - to crawl in bed and sleep my life away (depression), to eat to comfort myself or to give up on this apartment.

I'm really grateful right now that I have called out to a few people and they've come through with some support in my life, and I've called the doctor to see about what we can do to lift this depression. I avoid meds so I'm going to fight for alternatives to meds because of the side effects they produce (anyone got any ideas besides St. Johns Wort?).

You can only tread water for so long. Then you've only got two choices; Sink or swim. I know what it is to sink. And, I've just got to swim.

xx

Shocker

Those of you who saw yesterday's post (now down) will wonder what happened. Suffice it to say, it was a shocker and not in a good way. I can't say more.
xx
pinks

Warning: Construction Ahead

Before I went to Vancouver, something shifted in me. You all know I've been depressed for a good long time now and that depression had been manifesting itself in many ways: weight gain, lethargy, and just living in a pig sty.

Something shifted the week before I went home and somehow I found a burst of energy to start tackling my home. Its still messy and needs a lot of work, but I started taking it on and got the living room in order. One room, that's all I needed to start to feel my breath come back. Since I've come back to London on Saturday, I've been depressed and I see the signs around me. The living room is a mess again.

Form follows thought, follows form. As you think so shall you become and as you become, so shall you think. Depression and its signs are a vicious cycle. When you feel hopeless you lose hope (duh) and as you lose hope, you lose the will to do anything...the less you do...the more your life piles on top of you and the more it piles on top of you, the more hopeless and overwhelmed you feel.

When I was home in Vancouver, I met up with a friend whose divorce had just become final. She and her son had moved into a place she could afford, but it was far too small. She had gotten in and unpacked then decided to change rooms with her 6 year old son. In the middle of shifting the rooms, she got involved in a testy argument with her ex and became overwhelmed. The move halted in the hallway.

I insisted on coming to help. I know when you get just a little floor space and the breath can return, then everything else seems just that much more possible. In 2 hours we shifted the rooms, tidied up the living room floor (you could finally see floor space) and got 2 loads of laundry done.

A week later I returned to see her son...now living in a relatively tidy home. She had made progress on starting to get rid of extra things in her house and had felt empowered to make on offer on a new home. They're moving into their own home next month.

I don't have anyone to help me in London. Some friends, some acquaintances, but nobody I've known for 19 years that would insist on helping me out of that overwhelmed position. It takes a real friend to be able to clean up your rubbish without judgement. But, I have to get on with cleaning out the rubbish and getting my breath back.

The home, for me, is a symptom of how I feel about myself. Its time to get healthy again, to feel strong, to get back my confidence. Its time for breath and movement.

So...watch out...construction ahead. In this next month, I need to clean up this dump, put together an application for a work permit extension, get my finances in order, get a regular exercise regime going, detox from wheat and get some blood tests and find a way to convince my doctor that vitamin B12 shots really do help me with both depression and peri-menopause symptoms.

When one thing changes everything shifts. So...I can use some cheerleading here...I have a lot of rubble to clear. I think I'll start today with getting this living room back in order. All you need is one room to start.

Stay tuned.

xx

Photo by Pinks: View of the road ahead - Highway 99 Sea to Sky Highway under construction, Lions Bay, Vancouver

Home

Loreena McKennitt - The old ways

The thundering waves are calling me home, home to you
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.


On a dark new year's night
On the west coast of Clare
I hear your voice singing
Your eyes danced the song
Your hands played the tune
T'was a vision before me.


We left the music behind and the dance carried on
As we stole away to the seashore
We smelt the brine, felt the wind in our hair

With sadness you paused.


Suddenly I knew that you'd have to go
Your world was not mine, your eyes told me so
Yet it was there I felt the crossroads of time

And I wondered why.


As we cast our gaze on the tumbling sea
A vision came o'er me
Of thundering hooves and beating wings

In clouds above.


As you turned to go I heard you call my name.
You were like a bird in a cage,
spreading its wings to fly

"The old ways are lost"
you sang as you flew

And I wondered why.


The thundering waves are calling me home, home to you
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.
The thundering waves are calling me home, home to you
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.
The thundering waves are calling me home, home to you
The pounding sea is calling me home, home to you.


Video found on Youtube -- Loreena McKennit singing "The Old Ways"

Death and Rebirth

When I was in Vancouver, this Raven swooped down upon me twice and pecked at my neck and shoulder.

Raven is one of my animal totems and in a vision quest years ago with a shaman in New York City, we found one another. She sits on my shoulder.

Raven is a trickster, a messenger and the bringer of death and rebirth. Coming so close to the summer solstice which itself is about death and rebirth, well...who knows what is to come...

Happy Summer Solstice

Enjoy this...the longest day of the year.

(thank Goddess its not a work day)

Tuesday Tips - On Menstruation

OKAY - you men (and women) out there who are skittish about menstruation have been warned! Tuesday tips are about maxi pads....so...be on your way if you can't manage it...cuz we're gonna talk blood, here.

Ok...for those of you still here....

I have figured out that one of my major contributions to landfill is maxi pads, panti-liners and tampons. I have no children, so diapers aren't an issue. But what the hell! The number of pads with my 'name' on them is shocking and how many thousands of years will it take to biodegrade - if ever? And what kind of yuck is going to leach into the ground and the ground water in the meantime?

Our mothers and our mother's mothers and their mothers and mothers before them had a period. This ain't nothin' new. What did they use? Well, they used cotton rags. They washed them out and then they re-used them.

EWWWWWWW I hear you say. But THOSE women never had to go to work and hold down a real job, I hear you say.

I don't know about your history but I do know mine. And sure enough, my mother and my mother's mother and my mother's mother's mother never had a real job in an office. Nope. They only had to contend with their period while the pulled a plough to clear the land! OY!

So...I've decided to undertake an experiment.

Years ago I lived in Victoria on Vancouver Island and I remember I bought some cotton maxi pads that you could wash and re-use. I didn't like them. They were like the old style bricks between the legs - almost the old 'belted' pads of yesteryear. But...that was a good decade ago...progress happens...even I have an ipod now.

Anyway...I had hope...so...I went in search....

And lo and behold! LUNA PADS!





They come in long (good for overnight), maxi and panti-liner size. I bought all three sizes.

Now. I like the idea of Tuesday tips...but I like it to be a sharing experience...where I can share my ideas and you can share yours...so...I'm going to give these Luna Pads a good try and report back to you. Next time I'll show you the design. Those of you who are handy out there can probably make your own or improve on the Luna Pads to suit your needs. I'm not good at sewing so I'm going to give these a go and tell you what works and what doesn't about these pads.


I'm going to be up front about this. At the stage of life (peri-menopausal symptoms), I have one very very heavy day - a bleeding to death - unbelievable kind of day. Those of you who've been through these symptoms know what I'm talking about. I'm not going to use the Luna pads on those days. Its not feasible if even a long maxi pad won't last an hour. But, as Tanya (my kindred hippie spirit pal) says, if I can limit my disposable use to one day a month, I will have made a huge difference.


For now...if you're interested to know more about where you can buy them and other organic/sustainable products, check out Canada's own Hemp & Co. Its a fabulous store with an amazing philosophy! Please check it out and support them if you can - you can order online!





Their website is:http://www.hempandcompany.com/

Watch out for an upcoming review of the Luna Pads...I really do hope it is a way this woman (and hopefully a few out there inspired by my experiment) can find a way to honour her own rhythms while paying homage to the ways of her foremothers and honouring the Great Mother, Gaia.

xx
pinks

Photos by Pinks

Happy Father's Day

...to all the Dads out there...

For Willow

Photo by Pink: Golden Ears Park, BC

Tuesday Tip - Charity Shops are Kewl!

In England they're called Charity Shops, Canada/US they're second hand shops. And, they're great!

We are fashion victims, falling prey to the changing styles and disposable apparel we have been offered on the racks. you're tired of your clothes, don't throw them out...drop them at the Charity shop. And, while you're at it...Why not set your own style and put together unique outfits?

At Christmas we had to buy sustainable gifts in the office exchange. Thinking reduce, reuse, recycle, I went without wrapping paper but used a pretty Christmas recycled bag. In the re-use category...I shopped at the Charity Shop for a planter. In the reduce category I bought a small fern and planted it in the pot to help reduce carbon emissions.

But...when I travelled to Tanzania, I needed a small handbag for 1 interview that I wouldn't mind leaving there. For £3 I got a really nice sized simple black bag. I never left it there. Its become one of my favourites.

There is sometimes a stigma in shopping in the second hand store. Stigma isn't going to save the world.

Re-use is a little employed concept in our consumer society.

xx
pinks

In Search of Sasquatch

I'm sick of the sissies in London. I need a REAL MAN. And, you know I love being in the land of the North...the land of rugged outdoor men...men in polar fleece...hiking boots...with a canoe or a kayak strapped to their van...mmmmmm....scrummy!

(sorry I digress)

But the one MANLY man that I'd really like to date is a recluse. I'm certain he is the man my astrologer described in #6 below (Because lets face it...we all know Ruela has far too many lovers to make me the center of the universe...what with lambie and foam and ~pi and the Lone Beader...*sigh*....I digress again...) And I reckon this is the only way I'm ever gonna feel like Cinderella. I may not have the foot to match the shoe, but I've got the carbon footprint to match the man.

So today, I'm off in search of my MANLY man, my love:

SASQUATCH!

(aka - BIGFOOT!)

(And, you know what they say: big foot...big...)

I'm hot on the trail at Allouette Lake, Golden Ears and Whistler. Its rainy...perfect weather for MAN TRAPPING!

Wish me luck!

xx

Apologies

to all the Firefox users...apparently my template is GORKED. I don't use Firefox. I don't know how to ungork it :(

and while I'm at it...I might as well apologise to all the sockeye salmon in the rivers here where the Sasquatch live. I'm going to eat you all up this week (the salmon, not the sasquatch)
xx
pinks

Playlist Meme - Hallelujah

Well I think its a meme...

This is the song I'm playing a lot of right now on my playlist:




Jeff Buckley is haunting, but ya gotta give the songwriter his props. Amen for Leonard Cohen...one of the finest poets of our time (and a Canadian!)

Tuesday Tips

A friend of mine said to me recently that instead of being frustrated by the feeling that I can't make a difference in this world of rising fuel and food prices, or embarassed by my own carbon footprint and 'bad consumerism', that I might use my blog to come up with tips for a more hmmm...what....'just' way of living? Aside from doing 'something' in the world, it will force me to think about it on a regular basis (as if I haven't). I'm not going to guarantee that every Tuesday will be a tip...but lets see.

And I invite you to share your own tips too :)


FOOD:
So...today...lets talk about food. The UN today said that the world is going to have to double food production in order to avoid a catastrophic starvation crisis by...was it 2010? Thats not long from now!

The three principles of recycling are reduce, reuse, recycle. So...with food...I've decided to reduce the amount of food I buy...buying less and shopping more often. This will (hopefully) reduce the amount of food waste I chuck out every week.

Leftovers:
I'd like to share with you some tips on 'Re-using' your leftovers which I came up with when I was unemployed in NYC:

Pink's Special Scrambled Eggs:
Vegetables and Meats of all kinds can be chopped up into what are Pink's special scrambled eggs. I like to fill a skillet full of whatever left over veggies (even shrimp, chicken, beef, whatever) and cook it up before whisking two eggs and a little milk and pouring them into the skillet. I like to add a LOT of tobasco sauce at this point, and some cheese to help bind the veggies and eggs.

Serve with stale bread you make into toast.

Believe it or not...I've been asked to make these eggs by guests whenever they visit (go figure).(Note: if you don't eat eggs, you can do this with tofu scrambler. Note 2: I like to do this once a week because I don't eat eggs much and if you plan your shopping, you can use up the leftovers before shopping again)

I've got more recipes to come...


Anybody got a tip today they'd like to share - something that has made a difference in their lives in allowing them to reduce their consumption, reuse things or recycle more effectively?

Please share. With baby steps we CAN change the world.
xx

/t is for Tulips

because /t likes flowers and gardens

Photo by Pink: Belgian tulips

Photos by Pink: Gloria Dei Rose (aptly named), Volksgarten, Wien, Austria

Round the World in 80 days...

One of the things I've always dreamed of doing is sailing around the world. There was a woman, Tania Aebi who was the youngest woman to ever circumnavigate the globe. Well, being her namesake, she inspired me.

So...several years ago, I took the CYA coastal cruising course and learned to solo navigate a 35 foot yacht in coastal waters. I moved away from the coast shortly thereafter and so my sailing days were cut short.

But life is way toooooo short. You never know. I think about it every summer when the weather is good and the wind is in my hair.

So, I'm going to throw my hat in the ring and I'm going to see if they'll recruit me for next year's (09/10) Clipper team: http://www.clipperroundtheworld.com/

Registering your interest is easy. Its the message that I haven't quite worked up. I guess it should be catchy and encourage them to pick me! Pick me!

Any suggestions?

A little lamb for Little Lamb

Saw this in Musee D'Orsay and thought of you, LL.



Sorry your vacation is over,
but keep your vision of that sit down job at the front of your mind

and...

Congratulations on receiving your office skills certificate!!!!

Dreams come true, every day

Title: Vision
Artist: Alphonse Osbert

Photo by Pink, Paris

51:18

While I was in Belgium, I realised that my life is way way way out of line with my priorities. Last week, I had a spontaneous nosebleed the night I worked from 6 am to 1 am straight. Now I don't know if you know it, but I'm 42, recently found that for the first time in my life I have high blood pressure and I've gained a whole lot of weight since I joined this new team. Both parents have had strokes so I have a genetic pre-disposition.

I take this nosebleed as a warning sign and in that regard it is a gift from God/dess.

I know its not going to be popular but since yesterday was the big deadline for the submission of a report I've worked on for 5 months...I'm drawing the line in the sand.

My first priority is to get my health back - lose weight, exercise, eat better, reduce the stress. There is nothing I need to know about how to do that. What is going to be the challenge is changing my lifestyle - read: work expectations. I'm going to have to start leaving at 6:30 no matter what - in that way I will be giving an hour of overtime per day, but having enough time to walk home or go to the gym, buy good healthy food and cook/prepare it in a healthy way.

Until I see that I've lost X pounds and lowered my blood pressure, nothing else matters.

My second priority is figuring out what I really want to do with my life. This job has been such a disappointment and I've spent the winter mourning that. Now its time to start figuring out how I can really best use my time on this planet in a way that will fulfill me most. When I discover what that really looks like, I will not compromise on that either.

Last night I stuck to my guns and left at 6. They're used to working me till 9, 10, 11, 12, 1...3 am...but that project is done except for some minor changes and a second sub report. Time has come to make a change and anyone who has made a change will know - there IS going to be resistence.

At the starting line:
But last night I did my first cancer UK women's 5K run of the season. You will remember that I don't actually run. I walk - fast. (Well, fast for me).

It was a struggle. I've not been training since last autumn and whilst I've done a lot of walking whilst travelling, its not been to speed. I struggled through the first 1 K and thought - I'm never going to make it. My shins hurt and I could feel the pressure of the 30+ pounds I've gained from the stress of the last 6 months on my bad hip. In a word: I felt in my body the toll that this job and my lifestyle has taken.

But, by the second 1K, I was into a pattern. It felt slower than where I'd left off last year. Remember I walked 10K at the end of the summer in 1 hour 47 minutes. Nothing to set the world on fire but an achievement for me!

Well, last night, I walked my 5K in 51 minutes and 18 seconds. As far as I can tell, that is 30 seconds faster than last year's best 5K!

Afterward, I walked home as a cooldown for a half hour and stopped at the grocery and bought healthy foods - salad, fish, pasta sauce for my brown rice pasta, yoghurt and fruit. This is the way I like to eat and live.

I love being outdoors. I love feeling fit. 4 years ago when I joined this firm, I was strong, fit, active, healthy and a size 10. Now...I'm unwell and I don't even want to tell you how much weight I've gained. I've been sitting at a desk shortening my life with stress and outrageous (unpaid) overtime.

No more. By exercising and being outdoors and making healthy choices last night, I did what I love to do and what makes me feel happy. And I want more of that!

They're all going to react in unison: "Change Back!!!" Its going to take courage and some new communication skills to change my life. But its either their deadlines or my DEAD - line.

xx
pinks